Razzie Retrospective!

Folks, I've never been one to watch the Oscars. Sure the movies that win are classics, but I never liked the ceremony itself. However, I do enjoy the Razzies, or Golden Raspberry Awards. For those who are unaware, the Razzies celebrate the bottom of the barrel of the previous year's movies, or sometimes the worst of the decade once it comes to a close, and let me tell you, after looking at the which films took home plastic, gold painted raspberries last night, we have some real clunkers who deserved the "honors" as it were. So sit back, relax, grab your favorite drink and ready the rotten tomatoes as we go through the list of winners and I give my opinions on the movies that won or nominated. It's the Razzie Retrospective!

Surprisingly, the movie which got the most nominations, Grown Ups 2, got no awards whatsoever. Guys, this is what happens when you try copying The Expendibles but instead of gathering some of the greatest action stars of our time, you get some of the most trite and stale "comedians" that Hollywood has to offer. It's like they're trying to be a rock and roll supergroup but long after the band members have past their prime. These nominations included Worst Actor for Adam Sandler, Worst Picture, Worst Supporting Actress for Salma Hayek (Whom I've never heard of before writing this article), and many more. This movie had a whopping 8 nominations, but didn't win a single one. Take of that what you will, but I see it as a sign that maybe the movie wasn't even good enough for Razzie material.

On the flip side, the night's big winner, and I use that term loosely, was Movie 43, a failed sketch comedy flick which took home 3 awards, including Worst Picture. Now this movie I am oh too familiar with, as it boasts an all-star cast including the likes of Chris Pratt (Who thankfully redeemed himself with The Lego Movie), Hugh Jackman, and Naomi Watts, among others. Now according to legend, these actors were guilt-tripped into making it, and it really shows. The biggest fail of the movie was the fact it had 13 directors. 13 freaking directors who made that piece of tripe. Think about it, most classic movies need only one, maybe two directors. Names like Spielberg, James Cameron, Peter Jackson, George Lucas are all synonymous with quality. However the 13 circus chimps that made Movie 43 should be ashamed. Oh, and on a side note, I apologize to any circus chimps I offended while writing this. The, for lack of a better word, "Directors" have the mind of a petri dish specimen cumulatively, and thus shouldn't be compared to a perfectly fine primate. The movie just had no direction. Another film like it, InAPPropriate Comedy, directed by infomercial annoyance Vince "You're gonna love my nuts" Offer, at least had a framing device where all of the sketches were apps on Vince's phone, and that's honestly the only compliment I can give that movie, which is more that I can say for Movie 43.

As for the other movies, Lone Ranger's lone award was Worst Adaption/Remake/Sequel. Honestly, I didn't think that one was too bad. Sure it felt like a watered down old western version of Pirates of the Caribbean even sharing Johnny Depp as a starring role, but it was a fun movie and a good time-killer. Not as good as the TV series it's based off of, but definitely not a terrible movie. Tyler Perry's magnum opus of setting black people back to the Minstrel days, Madea, isn't safe either, snagging the Worst Actress award for Madea's Christmas. I haven't seen this movie myself, but I've seen some of Madea's other movies/plays, and they're not so good. I see it as more of a "I'm not in the right audience" thing than actual lack of quality. Perry's story is inspiring, literally rags to riches, but the fact remains that Spike Lee foretold this kind of entertainment in Bamboozled, where Minstrelsy would be perfectly acceptable to a black audience, and Perry establishing the fact that a black man could emulate a black woman almost perfectly. In fact he fooled me when I first saw Madea Goes to Jail, though the trick isn't new by any stretch. Just ask Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor and Norbit.

Other winners include After Earth with Will and Jaden Smith, which I've never seen so I can't really comment on it, and interestingly I mentioned InAPPropriate Comedy earlier and was actually nominated for Worst Supporting Actress, which was snagged by Kim "I am NOT a Hobbit!" Kardashian for her appearance in Tyler Perry's Temptation. Other than that, I think I covered everything that needs to be covered. If you want to see everything, check out this link here: Rotten Tomatoes Razzie Coverage and check out the entries for yourself. Keep in mind, I'm not responsible for any side effects that may come from clicking that link, including heart palpitations, vomiting, intense diarrhea, dementia, headaches, loss of appetite, nose bleeds, or a sudden onset of psychosis.